last night i rented three movies. cutter’s way, the deer hunter, and wayne’s world 2. christopher walken was the theme, i suppose. the deer hunter features his first major role in a movie (or at least first role in a major movie). wayne’s world 2 features what is hands down his finest role. ask around. then finally, the guy who recommended cutter’s way to me sort of looks like christopher walken.
the guy at the video store accused me of only renting the deer hunter and cutter’s way in an effort to legitimize my rental. he implied the wayne’s world 2 was populist crap and was the only thing i was interested in seeing. i said, “look at the cast! christopher walken, tia carrere, charlton heston, drew barrymore, tia carrere, rip taylor!” rip taylor was a bit of a set back for my defense. a defense which obviously failed since, on my way out, i was asked if i wasn’t sure that i didn’t want to rent citizen kane and cutthroat island too.
one summer, a few years ago when i was living in pasadena, i frequented this one video store. i went to rent a couple of movies along with this girl who i’m pretty sure only hung out with me only because i knew who jean cocteau was.
“you have three very overdue dvds.”
“uh. i’ve never rented dvds from here.”
“dudley do-right, south park, and from dusk till dawn. … 2.”
“i swear i never rented those.”
“you actually rented that tripe?” said the girl i was with, confirming my suspicion.
“no, i didn’t rent those.”
“sir, it says so right here. you did. you rented them along with the bank dick, i confess, and murmur of the heart.”
here’s where it all became clear to me. weeks and weeks prior, along with the three the clerk just mentioned i tried to rent l’avventura. when the clerk opened the video to check that i hadn’t cleverly slipped a porn tape into the box - as if my choice wasn’t already “artistic” enough - i noticed that the tape in the box was actually lamerica. not what i wanted to see. i went back to check for another copy (no such luck). returning to the counter i found the clerk checking someone else out. someone who was renting some dvds! the clerk had already scanned my card and must’ve rented the other persons dvds to my account. ha hah!
i explained the story murder, she wrote style to the clerk and the manager, who had now come over to see what the commotion was about. i was pretty agitated because they wanted a hundred and some dollars in late penalties and replacement costs. so when they were only marginally swayed by my version of the events leading up to the current situation i played my trump card.
“look, i’ve rented a couple dozen movies from you this summer. none of them have been made after 1970 and in this country. you think i’m going to steal dudley do-right?”
“hmm. i’ll talk with the girl who checked you out. she’s made this mistake before.”
when in doubt, condescend.
ps. last week i found out that my roommate and i both remember where we were when we first heard eminem.