a while ago i decided to try start reading infinite jest. when i checked out, one of the bookstore clerks snorted and said, “aah, the jest.” the rest of them giggled. that just poured salt all over my other prejudices about the book. based on everything that i’ve heard about this book screams pretense. so much so that i’m too embarrassed to read the book on the t, where much of my reading occurs. it’s my own dumb hang-up. but then again, it is my own dumb hang-up. in any case, i’m now on my third “i’m not actually reading infinite jest” book. it’s hilarious, but i’d be nicer if i felt better about reading my “look at me, everyone, i read big books” book in public. a friend of mine suggested i make a cover for it.
so i did.
and transformed this into this. i put an oprah’s book club logo on the spine and the lyrics to “dancing with myself” on the back. i was also able to change the author’s name from “thomas w. laqueur” to “thomas wanqueur”. tomorrow i take it for a test drive.
last night i had an interesting dream. i was going to be put to death (i recently watched mr. death). quite often my sense of anxiety or fear is really blunted in my dreams. throughout this entire death row dream i never felt scared or upset or anything. i was very calm. there were a number of things to belie what was happening. first of all, i wasn’t in prison. i think i was in a lecture hall and i was dressed really casually. second, there was only three of us in the room. a friend of mine who was also going to be executed and the executioner, my boss. my boss and i get along quite well and i’m way certain that he has no intention to kill me. we were to be offed by lethal injection. but we weren’t really going to be injected. in front of each of us were three tall styrofoam cups filled with ice and the particular poison. complete with big plastic straws.
my boss, switched out one of my styrofoam cups with a glass of really thick apple juice, almost apple sauce. “this is better for you.” he also gave me a plate of really soggy and stale looking french fries. i sat for a moment and decided, “fuck it, i’m gonna have to do it at some point.” i didn’t feel any anxiety at all and i remember thinking, shouldn’t i be less mellow about all this? but, i grabbed the straws from the two remaining cups of poison and sucked it down as quick as i could. it tasted like horchata. which was appropriate since that’s what i usually drink from tall styrofoam cups. i left the apple juice alone, stood up, and ate a couple french fries. i felt the poison take effect almost immediately. all numb. i also felt my heart stopping. i had to sit down again. i closed my eyes, died, and then woke up.